Wednesday, April 30, 2014

♥ Filled With Desire ♥

Psalm 84 has to be one of my favorites of all the Psalms. The entire Psalm just delves into the fact that those who trust in God, will be blessed. Though it's only 12 verses long, after reading it, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the beauty, truth, and how challenging it is.

Verse 2 is probably my favorite, both because of what it tells me about the person who wrote it, and also because it challenges me.
"My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the Lord: my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." - Psalm 84:2
Pretty passionate stuff. I want this passion to fully take precedence in my own heart. I have, at times, tasted a little of this burning desire, and all I can say is: I want more!
I mean, wouldn't you? Looking at this verse is looking into the heart of a person who was wholly and truly in a deep love with their Savior. The coveted the Lord's love and goodness to them. They were so ingrained with the Lord, that they had a consistent yearning for Him. Something from the heart is a deep seated desire. Their soul longed for the Lord, and their heart and flesh cried for the living God.
I think that is a beautiful specification: the living God. This wasn't about some idol, some pagan god that had no feeling, no living and humane attributes. This longing was for the God that yearned for this person as much, (actually, more) as this person yearned for Him. This wasn't an unquenchable desire for some useless stone, but a realistic longing for the God who would someday take this person home to Heaven, to dwell with Him forever.
I want that same passion. That same yearning, yearning to be with my Lord, my Savior. I want that desire, passion, and longing to be in my own soul and heart. To be so in love with the Lord of my salvation, that my every thought is full of Him. It is something I am learning, but something that I don't think I'll ever truly grasp. Something that would make this life so much better, and yet, so much harder.
Harder because every moment spent here on earth is one moment not spent in eternal bliss with Him. Better because being so integrated with God, would give me some of that bliss while I am here.
I don't deserve it, of course. None of us do. We don't value God's unconditional love to us nearly enough... The way that mankind treats Him, would turn everyone of our selfish hearts into a hard barren place were we to experience it.
But God's love is unconditional, and after all I've done against Him...
He still loves me.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

And Still, He Loves Me: A Prayer

Dear Lord,
Thank you. There are no words to describe my eternal thankfulness that you have chosen to love, me. But that doesn't matter, because you know my heart...
I don't deserve anything from you: but you give it to me anyway. I've run from you, and disgraced you, I fail at showing you to others, I sometimes ignore you, I don't always turn to you first when I need help: but you love me anyway. Despite all the things I've done, all the things I will do, all the things I even think about doing... you still love me!
It is such a marvelous thing, and something that seems so impossible.
How can you love someone who is so broken? Someone who fails you? Someone who is so stubborn? Someone who is everything that you are not? Everything logical says that if I had someone who treated me the way I treat you, I never would even tolerate it, let alone love them. But you, God, you do.
I don't deserve any of this, but I am so grateful that your grace is extended to me.
You love me even though I disregard what you teach me. You love me, even though I scorned you for so long. You love me, after all that I've done... You love me.
I fail regularly, significantly more often then I succeed. But no matter what I do, or don't do... You still love me. I don't understand it: it's beyond my full comprehension.
I get mad at you, I demand explanation when you have no obligation to give me one, I question why you do things, I forget that my plan for my life is nothing in comparison to your plan for my life, I forget that my dreams are the dust, while yours... They would make me happier than anything I could possibly dream up on my own.
But still I'm stubborn. Still I try to run from your will. These rare moments of clarity come, and for a few brief minutes, I realize the love behind the things in my life... Tomorrow though, I'll undoubtedly be back to my old ways: griping, and complaining, not understanding, not taking you on your word...
I'm so ashamed.
But still, you love me.
In light of all I am, you still love me! In light of all I've done, you still love me. It was me who murdered Jesus, it was me who wouldn't believe you were who you said you were... It was all me. I wasn't physically there when humankind killed your son, but from the moment I entered this earth, until the moment I accepted you as my savior, I murdered Him in my heart.
I refused you for so long! I rejected you, so many times. I heard you call me, and turned away. But still, you whispered to me, asked me to trust you... You still loved me.
People here in this world make me feel rejected. It hurts so badly. I find it hard to forgive them, let alone love them...
I rejected you daily, I refused you daily... but you forgave me, and love me. You gave me eternal life, and peace, and happiness, even though I had refused you for so long!
After all that I've done to you, you still love me.

Your love is unconditional!

Do I deserve such joy, such love? No. But your love is unconditional, and so I fall under your grace and goodness despite my complete inadequacy.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Even MORE Busy + The Improbability of New Posts

Hm, yeah... So, obviously my promise of those posts I mentioned hasn't really panned out. Don't worry, I'm writing them: it's just that they've moved significantly down my priority list since I wrote my last post.

Life seems to have caught up with me, unfortunately, and with its arrival banished any grand hopes and dreams I had about posting every day. Ah well...I did know I was going to fail at the aforementioned enterprise, but it was fun to dream, and even more fun while the fairy tale lasted.

Anyways, life. Final Debate tournament this weekend! I'm excited, and SO not prepared. Of course on top of that, it just so happens to be test week for Spanish: oh the joy. I do like Spanish, but it seriously is a time sucker. I really wish that this midterm hadn't fallen on this week. Not that next week would've been any better, because I would be busy at TeenPact! Oh, that's just one more thing on my list of things to do this week: TeenPact homework.

Of course, TP homework wouldn't be an issue if I didn't procrastinate on it. I actually made a bit of an effort this year to get some of it done BEFORE a few days before the course started. I think I got two things done, and then kinda just let it slide. I'm such a procrastinator: but that's partially because I know I work well under pressure, better even. But this is a bit too much pressure.

Oh, and than there's co-op homework. Not that it's really that hard: just reading some stuff and reviewing songs for worship team. But time, time, time. Time I so don't have! I think I'll try to read the material on the way to co-op tomorrow morning (oh, and I have a test on what I'm reading, phhffftttt).

Yeeaaaahhhh. So, that's what my excuse is for not writing on this poor neglected blog.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm now crew for the next SKIT show, and am going to all the rehearsals? Only 3 more weeks until the show opens.... I'm just so glad that tech week (when we go to rehearsal every day) didn't fall during TeenPact week, like it did last year!

All these things I'm involved in, that I love, and it just makes me so wonderfully insane :)

Yeeep, so that's all for now peeps. At some point I'll finish the 11 draft posts I have for this blog.