Friday, October 9, 2015

{Teach Me}: A Prayer

My heart, oh Lord, is full. You are so beautiful! How can I look into your face and find the most gracious thoughts towards me? How can I be so blessed as to see the outpouring of your love in my life?!
I see how you change people's hearts, how you shape their minds in a reflection of your beauty... You put yourself into our lives in miraculous ways. You give us characteristics of you.
In the lives of your people I see those who exemplify your kindness and those who beam forth your joy. In the face of some I find the unconditional love, in others, I see your Truth.

How I long to look more like you! How my heart aches to beat with purity -- how my mind wishes to pursue your Truth! My feet long to walk the paths of love. My hands reach out in anxiousness to preform your service. My eyes look up to you, my King, and implore your goodness to teach me these things.
This heart that beats within me hates the darkness that so often comes. My mind recoils at the touch of apathy that likes to creep in... too often my hands fall listlessly at my sides and forget the former passion.

And all of this destroys me. It destroys the woman I want to be in you.

I wonder at the strength I see others draw from you. I see how the passion they have seems to never waver. I watch in wonder when in their weakness, they joyfully turn to you for strength.
And I know that same strength is available to me!... And yet, I stop myself from drawing to you. I try so desperately to prove my dedication to you by my own strength... and forget that I am not the point.
No matter how I desire to look like you, I stop myself from allowing that growth that is necessary.

Will I ever learn to stop trying to do this on my own?!

The point is that I want to look like you, but seem to refuse to actually look to you for help. I try to draw from my memory of you, instead of the real you that walks beside me each day. And this habit that I've formed simply needs to stop.
I am sick of my flesh. And yet while I abhor it, I am still so susceptible to its guiles. How can I keep my resolve to look to you? I need you, Lord.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind and so many feelings held captive in my heart. I don't know what to make of it all, Lord. I don't know how to act, or how to use these passions. I have yet to learn how to glorify you with my unruly heart and wayward thoughts.

Teach me.

Those words are terrifying to my soul, yet I mean it, Father. I don't know what you will use to teach me, and chances are I will come running to you full of questions and broken with heartache... But Lord, teach me! Teach me to glorify you and praise you and look more like you. The struggle that I so despise -- use it to make me a reflection of you. Let your love be manifested in my life, in my actions, and in my words. In the desires of my heart and the hidden intentions, let your love be found. Let all of me become a reflection of you!
More of you, less of me.

Humble me, Lord, Break this pride the resides so comfortably in my heart. Take back your throne! Rule my life with your Truth and awe me with your love and grace. Dispel from my heart the secret desires for sin, the open abominations of you... take my life and let it be, all for you and for your glory! Take my life and let it be yours.
Lord, let me one day look back on this prayer and marvel at your way of answering it. Teach me to take your lessons without bitterness. Help me to trust you better.

Oh my Jesus, precious Jesus... Thank you for redeeming my soul, my life, with your blood. Thank you for making this change in my life possible. Thank you for accepting me with all of my infinite flaws and failures. thank you for not measuring your love for me based off any merit of my own. I stand before you in perfection now, because of the blood shed on that cross. Not because I have any hidden beauty within my soul. Not because I am in any way wonderful, but because you are.

You have seen my filthiness, and have chosen to wash it away -- continually! Continually you love me. Always, you forgive.

What have I done to deserve such favor? Nothing, my Lord. You cover me with unmerited love and infinite grace.
Never let me take it for granted. Keep me in awe. Keep my heart from losing it's ability to be filled with wonder.

Let my life be lived in awe and wonder.

Amen.