not one will fall

F E B R U A R Y  18, 2021 - B U R N A B Y  G E N E R A L  H O S P I T A L

How does one face these times of stress and pain? How am I to respond in this suffering?  What response is in my heart versus how God would have me respond?

I sit here in this hospital bed, my boding shaking and the room spinning, feeling completely out of control. I seek answers and understanding, and have yet to see or feel there are any. My stomach turns and my breath feels shallow, and how am I to respond to this?

How do I, Lord?

How can I sit in this pain

this confusion

this suffering

how do I do this and honor you?

What is the reaction and response you are looking for in this?

I feel futile. My efforts feel meaningless. My desire seems contrived when my organic response is to rail against God in this suffering.

For why does He allow suffering upon suffering upon suffering to heap upon my head?

I want to choose to believe God is good in this suffering - but I want to feel it too. I want to not just be grasping at straws of understanding, clinging to what I believe instead of being swept up with courage in my belief. 

What is my suffering compared to others? Other Christians who walk through these fires shining as gold? How does this refinement happen to those beautiful souls who have gazed in the depths of the beast and still found God?

When I am standing in the heat of these flames, all I can hear is their roar. All I feel is the slice of their fiery tongues lapping up my fear and doubt.

And so I scream to God "WHERE ARE YOU LORD? Save me. For I do not want to be consumed! I need you, Lord. Where are you? Why can't I feel your presence here with me?"

M A R C H  3, 2021 - H O M E

These last weeks have been full of physical suffering that have deepened my spiritual and emotional turmoil already present. I want desperately to be one of those Christians who shine brightly during the times of pain, to be inspiring and encouraging to others who may go through similar times. 

I am not. I am tired and weak and discouraged. I am overwhelmed with feelings of self pity and misplaced anger, though I know these are neither productive nor the response God asks of me in this pain.

I try to quell these feelings and quench the weeds taking root in my heart, but my efforts feel futile when already my heart and mind have been overwhelmed well before this. 

It seems the resounding question in my mind these days is "why, Lord?". Why does He allow suffering?

This is not a new question in my own life nor is it new in the heart of humankind in general. From the beginning, we have asked this question and sought answers in every generation. I have grown up hearing various answers and know the theoretical reasons for suffering and all the "right" answers to give those who are in the midst of hurt.

They all seem to fall flat in the face of the real and raw pain that goes on in our lives.

Looking at my current circumstance, is telling myself that "it's caused by sin, not God" going to bring any comfort? Will the believing that this pain is not orchestrated by Him bring peace? 

I am not apathetic in my faith, but I am exhausted. It all is too heavy to bear. I scream and shout and rail. I pray and beg and cry out for peace. I want to be able to just live. Instead, as I try over and over to swim to the surface, to break through these waves, this weight continues to drag me down - and I'm beginning to to want to succumb and let myself drown. 

I don't feel strong enough to keep fighting, just to be gasping for air.

How do I trust? How can I go from sinking beneath the waves to walking towards my Jesus? My eyes search for Him, for His hand to guide me, to keep me from drowning. 

M A T T H E W 10:29-31

"29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Yet, as I begin to feel myself give up - I have this burning anger that rises in me. As I begin to falter, I see how this pain and suffering tries to steal what is most precious from me. This anger runs deep as I realize that this is what evil rejoices in: the loss of faith and fight in a follower of Christ. It almost feels like spite, just to prove wrong whatever evil desires my destruction. Perhaps it is only stubbornness that compels me to fight on and keep swimming up towards the surface, but I will use the fuel that comes to me.

No matter how abandoned and alone I feel, I will still believe that my Father sees me. No matter how I may rail and feel unheard, I will still choose to believe that my Father values me. No matter how many times I receive no answers to all of my "whys?", I will still believe that my Father hears me. 

I will still choose to believe that He watches every sparrow, even as they fall. I will still choose to believe that His eyes are on me as well, even as I too am falling. 

I will still scream, I will still shout, I will still rail and pray and beg and cry - and I will still believe.

This pain, this mental anguish and physical suffering continue. I still do not know how to bear them and I still am fearful and angry at God for not answering me in this hurt. I will continue to wrestle with the pain and the confusion that engulfs my life - and I will continue to have hope that this life is a transient thing and my end goal is an eternity that will be free from these pains.