Help Me To Be More Selfish...

Are you ever just reading the Bible, and not really thinking about what you're reading? Like you're reading, but your mind is a million miles away, and you're not at all engaged in your reading. The Bible is jam-packed with the most beautiful, meaningful, and applicable things...

Way to state the obvious, eh?

What I'm trying to say is that the Bible is how God speaks to YOU. You, personally. Me, personally. What do we do with that? There are times when I become so aware of what God is telling me through scripture that it frightens me. It's the most awe-inspiring experience, I wish I could live there every moment of my life! 

Sadly, I don't. I sit there, reading...and reading, and reading, and reading, and reading. And then I realize that I wasn't really paying ANY attention to what I was reading. I was just, reading. Nothing more.

I'm ashamed to say I do this entirely too often.

But, why exactly does this happen? If you're reading the bible, isn't it because you're trying to gain something from it? 

Well... no... At least for me it isn't. Sometimes I just do it for the sake of doing it. Not because I'm interested in listening to God's word, but just for the sake reading it. I think "Oh... I should read the Bible every day..." and then go and read. I'm not reading because I want to, but because I feel like I should. 

Of course, feeling like I should isn't the problem here, it's the attitude behind it. My attitude isn't "I should read the Bible because I know God will speak to me through it, and it will benefit me". No, my attitude is "If I'm going to be a 'good' Christian, I need to read the Bible every day. Might as well get it over with."

O-u-c-h. 

Ugh. I literally disgust myself. "Might as well get it over with." ???? As if it's a CHORE. My goodness. 

How can it be a chore? I mean, really? We're talking about having a sacred bond with the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE...and it's a chore? The God who made ME, and who is the only one who can make me complete, and the only way that I will ever be truly happy. Like I said earlier, it's when I'm reading the Bible that God speaks to me, it's how He talks with me, it's how I become more aware of Him, others, myself... It's the only thing that can sustain me, the only way that I can live. He is the only one who can bring me Joy, and the Bible is how He speaks to me.

Why on earth am I thinking of it as a chore? I don't even understand it myself. And yet, I know in not too long, I'll find myself doing it all over again. 

How can I stop from doing this? Why can't I see how utterly backwards my thinking is?...I mean, other then in these rare moments when I realize what a selfish-pig I really am. 

Really, the most selfish thing I can do is read the Bible, and let God speak to me! The only way that I will ever be happy is through Him, and Him teaching me. So really, if I want what is best for me, and will bring me fulfillment, then I should do the most selfish thing that I can: read the Bible, and let God speak to me!

Lord, help me to be more selfish. 

Now isn't that a strange prayer...

I really want to live every day, hour, minute, to God's glory... but I can't. I fail, SO miserably. I can't even manage to listen when God speaks to me. My eyes gloss over, my face has blank expression, and I get nothing from it. In one ear, out the other. 

And still, God loves me, and cares for me, and wants me! I think I feel bad about not listening when I read the Bible... Imagine how horrible God must feel?! I mean, think about it.

You're talking to someone who you love, beyond measure! You're sharing with them the most important things they could ever know about you, about life, about themselves. You're giving them the tools for success, for happiness, for everything they could ever want or need. And as you speak to them, you watch as they detach themselves from what you're saying. You watch as their mind travels into a completely different world, a world where you're not present. You keep talking, and they keep not listening. They hear you, but you know they're not listening to you. Sometimes they occasionally come back to what you're saying, and you see as their soul is filled with the light you've been trying to instill in them...and then it's gone again as they slip back into the darkness that envelopes their life. You tell them that you have the light that will cause the darkness to run and hide! And... they're not listening.

And He still loves me...