Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Surrender

Fear. 

There are many types of fear. Fear has the uncanny ability to take on pretty much any form it wants. It is so powerful. We often let it control our actions, even when in our hearts we know what we ought to do. Fear can cripple our resolve to do what is right.

Let me be clear, though, it's not like all fear is negative. Some fear is healthy and good, like fearing fire because you know it will burn you.
But obviously that isn't the kind of fear I'm talking about here. The kind of fear I have on my mind is the fear of the future, or fear of change. Because ya know, I am one of those people who can have a really hard time trusting God with my long term. I try to plan everything out for myself, and then when my plans start to fall to pieces before my eyes, I tend to panic and let my fear of not being in control take over.

While this isn't always the case, too often it is. I am blessed in that though I am a control freak about my future, in the everyday I actually don't have much trouble trusting that God is in control.

That confession doesn't really say much about how "great" I am, though. All I'm really saying is that I'm okay with trusting Him with the little things, but when it comes to the big things, I think I can do a better job. I get paranoid and want to know every detail for myself. Not so great.

Another thing about me is that when there is something or someone that comes into my life, and it is super obvious that God brought that/them into my life for a reason... I tend to grasp hold of that and basically try to make it my rock. It becomes what I go to for support when I get scared about my future.
When God gives me a little piece of what my future could be, instead of relaxing and realizing God has it under control, I go the other way by focusing on that thing too much. It's like I'm going,
"Okay, God, thanks for giving me something other than you to hold onto! See ya!"
And how backwards is that?! But then... as I'm holding onto this thing for dear life, God steps in and gently shakes me loose and takes that thing or someone away again. And then I tend to panic.
"God, why did you take my source of comfort away from me?!"
And sometimes it might take me a bit (interpretation: it'll take me a large chunk of time) to realize that I should never have been looking to whatever it was as my source of comfort in the first place! Furthermore, by doing so I was robbing God of His place in my heart. I'd made that thing my god, instead of God!

Fear can blind you to what is true and real. I have a fear that my future won't work out how I thought it would, or how I thought it was supposed to.

I was able to trust God with my eternity, so what's so hard about this temporal life?

I need to change my way of thinking. I need to let God, be God. I need to accept and have peace with the fact that I cannot know everything.

I think part of my issue is that I've kinda bought into this lie that the world tells us. The lie that you've got to have a career plan, college picked out, a job lined up, and just all this... stuff -- and should I not have it all figured out, I'm kinda looked down on as some sort of failure.

It's a lot of pressure.

And so I try to figure it all out. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't ask God to show me what to do, it's just that if He doesn't answer in what I consider to be a timely fashion, I start to freak out and make plans without Him.
And then I watch as those plans crumble before my eyes, and say,
"God! Why?! I was trying to get my life together, and you just took my plans and blew them away!"
And you know what... I don't understand.

I still don't understand.

Why does He give me something, and then take it away? I don't know.

Why doesn't He answer me when I ask for His guidance? I really don't know.

In fact, I don't know anything. And that's scary.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, maybe I don't need to know anything, maybe this isn't something that I'm ever supposed to understand. Maybe the point is that I'm not supposed to understand.

Maybe I'm supposed to have faith.

Sometimes I tell myself that I can't have faith without a little something to hold onto... but then, that's not faith, now is it?
Faith isn't seeing and believing. That's common sense.
Faith is trusting and believing something that you can't see, or prove. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
So to really have faith, I shouldn't have any idea of what's going to happen, but still have faith that is it's going to be O.K.

And darn it, that is simply not easy for me. But easy things don't really make you a better person, because they don't challenge you. Doing something easy doesn't require much effort or thought, because well... it's easy. Not that easy things are inherently bad or anything. It's just that they don't require you to grow. They don't challenge your ideas or values. They don't challenge you to examine why you do things the way you do.

As the Harris boys put it -- Do Hard Things.

But that's a tangent for another time. My point is, having faith usually isn't going to be easy for you or me. You have to make a conscientious effort to have faith, despite your fear. You have to face that fear, and decide to have faith anyway.
Kind of like courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather choosing to fight in spite of that fear -- Faith isn't saying that you're not going to be afraid, just having the knowledge that God can handle it, and believing that He will.

Faith is not saying,
"Okay God, I'm trusting you to make all my plans come together."
It's not telling him that you trust Him to fulfill your perfect plans for your life. No. Faith is about saying,
"Okay, God. I don't know what your will is, but I'm trusting that you're plan is even greater than mine. I'm willing to give up my plans to you, and believe that you will work in my life for your will to come about."
Having faith in God is all about Him, and all about His plans. Faith is all about His will for your life. It's trusting Him completely, with everything.

I believe it's called: Surrender.

No comments:

Post a Comment